by Robert S Dawson
When they stepped up onto the sidewalk she gripped his arm as tightly as she could. The crowd was just off the property line, shouting and waiving their black leather bound bibles over their heads in broken halos. As Jessie gripped him tighter, feeling the sting of their words in her heart, he stood up straighter and looked out at them in an unwavering glare. They called them names and spat at them, but Jack kept his even glare on them all the way to the only door in. When he turned to hold the door open for her, he could see in her face that it was hurting her inside; words sometimes cut deeper than any sword ever could.
“We don’t have to do this,†he said, caressing her cheek with his hand.
She smiled at him through her tears, but pulled her cheek away and walked inside. Before he followed her in, he gave one last look to the crowd as they shouted and cursed and damned them. “Baby killer,†they shouted. “Murderer,†they screamed. He looked into their faces and for a moment thought he saw his own mother in the crowd. It would not have surprised him, but this crowd appeared to be Baptist or some other type of Protestant denomination, and his mother was strictly Catholic.
Inside was warm compared to the chill from the crowd outside. A woman was handing papers to Jessie from a window in the wall. He walked up behind her and heard them discussing the crowd outside.
“Awe, honey,†said the woman. “This ain’t nothing. You should see them on Sundays. You’d think they’d all be in church if their so good, instead of out here tormenting these poor girls.†Then the woman wised up to what she was saying, how she was calling Jessie a poor girl, and fell silent.
“Fill out both sides of the form and bring it back, please,†said the woman.
Most of the chairs were occupied in the huge, three-part lobby. Jessie sat down in the first part of the lobby. Jack had to stand next to her.
“No, no. That’s small potatoes. I want to do blockbusters, man. I want Nolan, Gibson, and Spielberg to drink at the bar with me.â€
Neil laughed. “That’s bullshit man. You can try. But you ain’t getting out of this shit hole.â€
“Watch me,†said Jack.
Again Neil laughed. He sat forward on the tie and sipped the beer he had still wrapped in the brown paper bag. “A’ight, then. We’ll see.â€
The lake sat frighteningly still as they dangled their feet from the trestle. It was nearly a thirty foot drop from where they sat in the middle of the half mile structure. All along the sides of the lake, youthful green leaves whispered with the wind that swept through the aged trees. Houses and boulders were scattered amongst the old oaks and pines. On the stone faced cliff to their left were the Furr boys who jumped from it one by one, wailing all the way down, then climbing, smiling, up the jagged rock face to do it all over again.
For one random moment the world was still, there was not a single sound.
 “So what are we doing tonight, Jack?†he asked.
“I don’t know, man, I got a lot of homework and shit.â€Â Jack sipped his beer and kept his eyes off at the curve of the lake, the sun burning in deep reddening clouds over the treetops. The wind’s breath became quick and cold.
“Since when do you do homework? Come on man, let’s go get a blunt and kill some Terrorists.â€Â Neil tilted his beer up taking several gulps.
Jack took a little sip. “I can’t man.â€
 “Don’t be a fucking pussy, Jack.â€
Neil finished his beer and tossed the bottle down the track about twenty yards where it smashed against the railroad tie and rained glass against the massive steel beams below. He dropped the bag which fell faster than they expected to the water below.
“Whoa, watch your beer, Jack!â€
Jack had leaned forward tipping his beer allowing several sips to escape to the lake bellow.
“Oh, shit, my fault.â€
“No shit, your fault. You’re holding the fucking beer.â€
Jack shrugged and sipped his beer again.
“And why are you drinking like a pussy?â€
Houses sat somberly amongst the trees around the lake, looking out at them. Their windows appeared as eyes, dark and vacant, yet still judging and harsh as their makers had been. He wondered if anyone had seen Neil smash that bottle. People in small towns are quick to call the police on young boys, for whatever reason. One cloud of marijuana at McDonald’s and they think the world is going to hell and the only cure is a Jesus enema.
“Why you sippin’ that beer like your momma’s tit?â€
“A’ight, man, chill. I’m going to a girl’s house, man. I can’t be drinking and driving.â€
Neil’s face, which was scarred but at least happy, went cold. “What girl?â€
“Don’t worry about it, man. You don’t know her.â€
“Maybe not,†Neil said. “But that doesn’t change the fact that you’re blowing me off for her.â€
“Whatever,†Jack said, “you ditch me for girls all the time.â€
“But I still drink and smoke up with ya.â€
Jack nodded. “I’ll smoke,†he said. “But I can’t drink, man. Really.â€
“Come on dude. Don’t fucking do this,†said Neil shaking his head in dire sorrow. “Don’t be whipped, man.â€
“Don’t worry,†Jack said. “I’ve got this under control.â€
“You can’t even keep yourself under control,†Neil said. “How do you expect to control something like pussy?â€
Jack grimaced at the last, warm, spit filled sip of beer and tossed the bottle down the track. It hit a tie then bounced into another tie, bounced off it into the bent, into a beam and into the water unbroken.
Betty, the no good saint that detested Jack’s very existence, bound and determined to ensure he was damned on earth and in the afterlife, was ranting about abortion for her presentation in communications class. She had known Jack all her life, from kindergarten through community college and now the university. Undoubtedly she’d heard about the abortion, or at least Jack had thought so. Jessie wouldn’t have been quick to tell anyone, but her friends sure were. By the end of it, Betty had the entire class in an uproar. Most of the class was against abortion, most of them were Christians, some of them were fire and brimstone. Jack just tried to remain quiet.
A beautiful brunette with waiving curls in her long hair and a thick southern drawl that probably would have sounded ignorant on anyone else but only made her sweeter, was strictly against it. Her name was Ashley Krone and she almost always sat next to Jack when they had a class together. When she took sides with Betty she did not expect Jack to take sides against her. She knew, for a fact, that Jack was against abortion. They’d talked about it before. It was one of those things she respected about him.
“Abortion is wrong,†Betty said. “It should be illegal, but it’s not. And still everyone who gets one will burn in hell.â€
“Amen,†Ashley said, beaming with the pride of the Holy Spirit. “God sees everything you do.â€
The argument had been pretty mild up until then. There was no talk of punishment until then, just talk of what God wants.
“How do you know what God wants?†Jack asked, looking directly into Betty’s eyes, then Ashley’s.
“He told us in the Bible,†Betty said.
“Yeah,†Ashley said, taunting.
The teacher crossed the room to their side, but remained silent, waiting for things to get out of hand. Jack didn’t even see her move, he thought he was alone.
“You do realize that book wasn’t written by God, right? Just like all the rest of the books in the world, they were written by men,†Jack said, feeling angry because he knew even as he said it that the words were not being heard.
“Men wrote down what God said,†Ashley said, defensive, her once cheerful and friendly eyes now filled with disgust as if Jack were a leper Muslim.
“You read the King James, right? The fact that it’s a translat–â€
“That’s enough,†the teacher finally said. “Very good Betty, but we are short on time. We have to move on to the next presentation.â€Â She went back to her podium and called the next name on the roster.
An elderly gentleman from Britain who knew everything and had done just about everything made his way to the front to be mister wonderful again. Most of the class was whispering amongst themselves. Under the buzzing of the room Jack whispered to Betty, “Not everyone is in the same situation. Not everyone has the same strength. If God is real, then He knows your heart. So, Betty, I’d be more worried about yourself than anyone else.â€
 “I’m saved,†she said. “I’m just trying to save your soul from damnation. God loves us, but he will punish you. He will.â€
 “He already has,†Jack said. He got up and walked across the class to the door.
 Mr. Wonderful British Guy paused in the middle of his presentation on how he circumnavigated the entire island on a raft of bamboo, with nothing but a broken oar to row with a sharp end for fishing, and a pail to catch rainwater in for drinking. He was holding the British flag he’d used as a sail across his chest. It appeared to be in remarkable condition for a flag used in such a manner. “Where you headed, lad?†he asked Jack. Jack said nothing. “Can it wait till after?â€Â Jack continued out without answering. “Godless chaps,†Mr. Wonderful British Guy said, shaking his head.
 Campus was crowded that day and Jack just wanted to be alone. He scaled the library, checking every floor and every room. There were places to sit sure, but there were people everywhere. Jack just needed to be alone. He didn’t know what was about to happen to him. It wasn’t Betty and Ashley, he didn’t think, but it was something. He was cracking. “Fuck it,†he whispered under his breath to himself and he went to his car. “Lithium†was playing on the radio. He turned it all the way up and sang with it as he pulled his car out.
“I like it, I’m not gonna crack, I miss you, I’m not gonna crack, I love you, Im not gonna crack, I killed you I’m not gonna craaaaaaaaaaak!â€
He could see Jessie’s face in his mind, hovering there constant, stagnant. He thought about the way the child they were going to have would have looked. He beat on his steering wheel and he cried.
Life was wonderful when he was with Jessie. He’d met her randomly at a party with some friends at the university. She was a senior in high school but several of her friends were already in college so Jack assumed she was in college too, at first. Once they’d started hanging out it didn’t matter that she was in high school. The only thing that mattered was that he be with her. They were only three years apart, she was seventeen and he was twenty. In the old days it wouldn’t have mattered at all, but it wasn’t the old days. Her parents liked him, thought he was a real nice guy, but he was in college and they knew what college boys were like. Jessie’s mother was a short school teacher that resembled a grumpy troll when she was upset.
The first night Jack hung out at Jessie’s house he wound up staying all night. They didn’t have sex, they hadn’t even kissed yet, but none the less Jessie’s mother would not have been pleased to find Jack still there. Her feet could be heard rustling around promptly at six-forty-five, a loud, wet bout of smoker’s cough in the hall.
“Quick,†Jessie said, “into the closet.â€
“What?†Jack asked, hoping she was joking.
“Get in the closet. She’s coming. She has clothes in the closet on the right. Just get in the left side.â€
“Are you serious?â€
“Yes, hurry.â€
Jack went to the closet. There were clothes and shoes piled in the way. Jessie was right behind him. She moved the stuff and stuffed Jack in, shutting the door behind him. Just as the closet door closed, the room door opened and Jessie’s mom came in.
“What are you doing up already?†she asked Jessie, her voice harsh and groggy.
Jack’s heart beat so loud he thought for sure they could hear it through the closet door. It was one of those slated closet doors and he could see the shape of Jessie’s mom lingering in the center of Jessie’s room. She knew something was up, Jack thought and he put his head in his hands.
“Whose car is that parked outside?†the harsh voice asked
“Oh,†Jessie said in a voice much sweeter than her mother’s. “I think there was a party up the street last night. Maybe it’s one of theirs.â€
“Good answer,†Jack thought.
“Maybe,†Jessie’s mom said, finally turning to the other closet to get whatever it was she needed. “What time do you work today?â€
“Not till four.â€
Jack tried to see Jessie’s face through the slats but couldn’t. Her mother found something and moved back to the center of the room. “Well I don’t get off till two. Hopefully I’ll see you, but if I don’t, have a good day.â€Â She turned to leave, then stopped and turned back. “Who was that boy you had over here last night?â€
“He works at the restaurant, mom. I told you that,†Jessie’s voice was defensive. He hoped that meant she liked him.
“He works at the restaurant,†her mom said snootily. She, unlike her daughter, obviously didn’t like him, he could tell. “Is he your boyfriend?â€
“No,†Jessie said flatly, stinging Jack’s heart a little.
“Are you having any relations with him?†her mother asked then added quickly, scrunching her face up in that troll-like way, “And how old is he anyway?â€
There was a pause. It hadn’t come up before. Jack’s heart had stopped pounding but suddenly began thumping even harder. “How old is she?†Jack wondered.
“I don’t know,†Jessie finally answered.
“He looks older. Find out how old he is before you do anything else with him,†her harsh voice very stern and angry as she spoke. Then very heartfelt she said, “Please.â€
As soon as Jessie got her mother out of the room she opened the closet door.
“Sorry,†she said, hoping he wasn’t angry or worse older. They sat down on the bed. “So,†she said, “I guess you know what I have to ask you.â€
“I’m twenty,†he said, looking at the rug on the hardwood floor. “How old are you?â€
“You’re not twenty. You’re nineteen. And I’m seventeen by the way. Mom won’t care about two years,†Jessie said smiling. “If that’s okay with you.â€
“But I’m twenty. I’m three years older than you. If we were to have sex it would be illegal.â€
“I don’t know you well enough to have sex with you. If it’s too much for you to hang out with a stupid high school girl then it’s okay. I understand.â€
“No,†Jack said. “That’s fine. I like you. It’s okay.â€
They had stayed up all night together, then they stayed up all day together. After Jessie’s mother left Jessie and Jack snuck out, leaving a note for her father. By the end of the day, Jack and Jessie were a couple.
Jessie was shaking in the lobby. The decision was weighing on her, Jack could tell. For the first hour of waiting he debated whether or not he should say something, but had no idea what to say. They remained silent. Jessie’s eyes remained vacant and wandering. Jack’s eyes remained on her.
“You don’t have to do this,†Jack finally said after the hour of silence.
“Yes I do,†Jessie said.
“But why?†Jack pleaded.
An invisible burden hung over the entire lobby, some of the women and girls seemed to be just fine with what they were doing, but others sat with their heads low and in shame the way Jessie’s had been for the last hour. A girl came back in from having it done, she was holding her stomach and grimacing more with every step. It pierced Jack’s heart seeing the girl waddle her way painfully across the lobby, humiliated, watched, judged by every eye in there. Jack found it amazing the humiliation and guilt that he saw in that girl’s face as she crossed the lobby to the exit, considering that everyone in that room was there for the same thing.
“Why do you have to go through with this, Jessie?†Jack asked again, after the girl was gone and the lobby had fallen completely silent again.
Jessie sat for a moment and took a deep breath, pondering how to answer Jack best. “I can’t have this baby,†she finally said, “because it will ruin everything I’ve worked for. I mean fuck, Jack, I’m just a freshman in college. If I have this baby my future is gone. And my parents would kill me. And you.â€
“Your mom would rather you have this baby. I bet on it,†Jack said.
“You don’t know my mom. She would love the kid, she would, but she wouldn’t love me anymore.†Tears stood out on Jessie’s face. “I don’t want to wind up like my parents,†Jessie said. “I want to be something.â€
“Okay,†Jack said, “okay,†because he felt the exact same way.
On Jack’s twenty-second birthday, Jessie came over to hang out. Jack didn’t have many friends anymore. He still lived with his brother in the same place, only now the place was dirty and run down. Dirty dishes and empty beer cans littered the entire house. It was just Jessie, Jack, his brother and Thom sitting around bullshitting and drinking. All the while Jessie was texting. Jack glared at her wondering who she was texting and hoping she’d see that accusing glare and show her guilt, but she showed nothing, until it was time for her to go.
“Where are you going?†Jack whispered when they were alone outside the front door.
“I’m sorry, Jack. We aren’t together anymore. I don’t know what else to tell you.â€Â She didn’t even look at him when she spoke.
“But you still love me?†Jack stated more than asked.
“Yes,†she said, finally looking him in the eyes.
“Then why don’t you just stay?†Jack asked, his voice almost breaking as he fought back all the feelings welling up inside him. “It’s my birthday for fuck’s sake.â€
“But I have other friends that I have plans with tonight.â€
“Who?†Jack asked angrily, knowing who, that fucking frat-boy Dane.
“Look Jack, I’m really sorry, but you being like this doesn’t make me want to stay anymore.â€
“You’re a fucking whore,†Jack said. “You fuck him. Then you come and fuck me. I can’t even fucking believe you didn’t even shower in between. I mean what is it with you? How can you do that to someone you love?â€
“It’s because I love you that I do it,†she said.
Her words were clear and they cut him deep. He became furious, enraged, he wanted her to leave and never come back. There was only one way to ensure that. She was talking, spitting off about her freedom and experiencing the world when his hand silenced her. As soon as he felt the soft cheek give under his palm he felt remorse. He was apologizing before the slap was fully swung. He tried to hug her, hold her, console her, but she would have none of it. She stormed off across the parking lot, Jack tailing after her, begging for her to just listen to him for a moment, let him explain.
“No,†Jessie shouted. “That’s it. You don’t hit me. You don’t fucking hit me, Jack! Just leave me alone!â€
She wouldn’t hear any of his pleading. It was dark and Jack worried about her safety as she tromped off down the road into the blackness, but she assured him that Dane was on his way and that it would probably be best if Jack wasn’t around when he got there.
That night Jack thought he’d rather be dead than alive. All his life he’d wondered about the other side, wondered if he shouldn’t just go ahead and go, since life was so hard, but that night was pure agony. He thought about her all night. Thought about that first night when he had to hide in the closet when her mom got up. Then they went to the flea market and hung out. He thought about how exciting and strange it was to be on his first date ever with a beautiful girl, despite the fact that she was still in high school. He’d only been out of high school himself for a year and a half. But now she was in college, too. Now she saw that there was more to life than what her parents ever dare allowed her to see. She wanted to be a part of it, she wanted to go hog wild. The only thing was, Jack could not let her go. He could not consciously walk away from the woman he loved and fuck another woman. It just wasn’t the way he wanted things to go. For Jack, the only option was to convince Jessie that she was his soul mate and that they should just accept it and move on together. He wanted to go hog wild with her, together, but she wanted to go alone and he just couldn’t accept it. He drank with everyone at his apartment until they all passed out or left. Then he stayed up by himself and finished off the bottle of Johnny Walker Black on the back porch, smoking cigarette after cigarette as he drank. When he’d finished the bottle he smoked his last cigarette, then stumbled into the living room and passed out on the couch watching Apocolypto. The last thing he thought before he went to sleep was that she wasn’t coming back, not after that.
“Whatever happened to being a screenwriter?†his mother, Jane asked, narrowing her drawn on eyebrows and grinning. She’d always thought that her son was a pipe dreamer, but she didn’t discourage him because it made him happy. Still, she hoped he’d give it up one day, once he learned what the world was really like.
“I’m still writing, mom. I don’t have to be in school to write. School just isn’t for me.â€
They were sitting by the big window at the far end of the cafe, eating sandwiches and drinking water. His mom had come to see how her boys were getting along in the world. She wasn’t pleased with what she found. She hadn’t known that Jack had failed out of school. She knew she’d never really know why he failed out, but she had a good idea. He couldn’t stop talking about that damn girl, what was her name? Pam?
“Jessie’s calling me, mom,†Jack said, pulling a vibrating phone from his pocket. He took the phone and went out the side door of the restaurant to talk on the patio alone.
Jane watched her son’s face through the window as he paced back and forth, she knew that look. It was the same look he had when the little girl, Megan, who’d lived across the street moved away. This girl, Jessie, was leaving him too, only this time for very different reasons. Jane didn’t pretend to know what those reasons were, she assumed they must have been somewhat justifiable, but she also couldn’t see how that girl wasn’t just head over heels for her son. By the look in Jack’s eyes she could tell that he was head over heels for this girl and it broke her heart to see that look on his face. She felt bad for attacking him earlier about school. She felt that her son was not in a good place, he was stressed and heartbroken. A thought crossed her mind, to ask him if he wanted to come home, but she knew the answer immediately.
Finally, Jack came back inside finished his sandwich in silence.
“Everything okay?†Jane asked.
Jack only nodded and continued eating. When he was done he thanked her for the sandwich, but he really had to go.
“Okay,†Jane said. “But just remember that you are a blessing from God, and I love you.â€
“I’m not a blessing from God, mom,†Jack said, annoyed.
“Yes you are,†Jane said, angrily. “The doctors told me I could not have any more children after your brother, yet, soon after the ladies at church laid their hands on me and prayed I had a dream that you were my child and that is where your name came from.â€
Jack shook his head, he’d heard this before. “Okay, mom,†Jack said, giving her a quick, feeling-less hug then darted quickly for the car.
Every Sunday Jessie went to the Methodist church, and every Sunday Jack met her there. Her parents had stopped going to church years ago, but Jessie had taken up the practice of going soon after she got her license. Jack parked his truck next to Jessie and got out.
“Hey,†Jessie said, getting out of her Jeep.
“Hey,†Jack said, walking straight up to her, taking hold of the door with one hand and her in the other, and pressed his lips up against hers. They kissed long and deep, completely forgetting they were in a church parking lot. Jack shut the door without taking his lips away and pressed Jessie up against it, pressing his crotch hard against hers so that she felt how hard he was. It had been a while since they’d made love. It had nearly been seven days, which was very long for them. Typically it wasn’t more than a few hours.
“We could just go to my place,†Jack said when they finally parted lips.
“No,†Jessie said, smiling.
“We could. Church doesn’t even start for another thirty minutes, there’s plenty of time. Come on,†he begged her with his eyes, then kissed her again. His hands slipped down from her back to her butt, gripping her cheeks tightly and pressing her harder against him.
“Okay,†she said.
His first thought when he woke up was that she was not coming back, not after that. Apocolypto had been playing on repeat all night and was now at the part where Jaguar Paw was dunking his nuts in the trough. Jack felt like his own nuts were burning after all the shit Jessie’d put him through. He almost felt justified for a moment, but then remembered what he’d done, the look on her face after it happened.  He hadn’t hit her full swing. He’d only barely slapped her, just enough to make a noise and scare her. He bet there wasn’t even a bruise and he found out later there wasn’t.
Like the night before, the day was rough. Only this time there was no alcohol to numb at least some of the pain. A man’s mind is a man’s worst enemy, Jack remembered as he made a loop around his section to check on his tables. Despite all that was going on in his mind, when he stepped up to a table he smiled as if all was right with the world. Even though his mouth was smiling, his voice chipper and respectful, his eyes still showed the pain. Anyone who took the time to look in Jack’s eyes could see that there was something bothering him, something that was beyond the typical worldly pain.
One man, probably in his sixties, saw that look in Jack’s eye. Even though the man didn’t know exactly what was going on, he knew that look. He was eating alone, quiet and lonely, but there was a spark in his eyes that most people above the age of twenty-nine didn’t have any more.
“You doing okay, sir?†Jack asked, stepping up to the table, strategically between the old man’s bites. “How’s your steak?â€
“Oh, it’s wonderful. Wonderful,†the old man said, wiping the corners of his mouth with the cloth napkin he’d taken from his lap. “But how are you doing young man?â€
“I’m doing good, sir,†Jack said without missing a beat. “Thank you for asking.â€
The old man nodded and went to put the white cloth back in his lap. Jack started to turn away and say, “Just let me know if you need anything,†but the old man spoke first. “Bullshit,†the old man said. “Something’s bothering you, and by that look in your eye I’d say it was a girl.â€
Jack nodded.
“Have a seat,†the man said, holding out a cracked and arthritic old hand. His blue eyes were sharp and fierce for a man his age. They looked on Jack with clarity and compassion. “Tell me about it.â€
Surprisingly, Jack found it very easy to open up to this stranger. He told the old man everything. When he came to the end of the story, he feared the old man’s reaction to his hitting Jessie, which was not what Jack expected. The old man nodded his head and put his hand on the boy’s shoulder. Jack noticed how old the man actually was at that moment, he saw the cruddy cracks in his face, the crow’s feet around his eyes.
“Sometimes a man has to do what he has to do. I ain’t saying what you did was right, but it was something you had to do, son.â€Â The man lit a cigarette and then said as if he were asking about Jack’s favorite beer, “Will you ever hit her again?â€
“Fuck no,†Jack said, feeling a hollowness in his gut as if the old fucker had hit him, knocking the wind out. He could see her face after he hit her, it burned him inside and he wished that he had been able to go back and whoop his own ass, but he couldn’t do anything.
“What’s done is done,†the man said, leaning back in his chair. “She may never speak to you again, but other girls will. Learn from this lesson, son.â€
Jack nodded, thanked the old man and shook his hand. The man left him a hefty tip and a note that said, “Don’t forget, there are more women in the world than men, you’ll find another soon enough.â€
“Do you believe in God?†Jessie asked. They were lying naked under the blankets, holding each other tightly.
“I don’t know,†Jack said. “Why do you ask?â€
There was a slight pause and Jessie shifted, making their spooning awkward. “Why do you think I’m asking?†Jessie asked annoyed. “We go to church every Sunday. Does it mean anything to you?â€
“Yes and no,†Jack said, honestly.
“Yes and no?†Jessie asked, even more annoyed. She sat up and the sheets fell back, Jack’s focus became her bare breasts. “What’s that supposed to mean?â€
Jack shook his head. “I don’t know,†he said. “It’s not really God that I have a problem with, so much as the church itself.â€
“What do you mean?â€
“I mean, they’re all crooked liars.â€
“Pastor Paul is not a crook,†Jessie nearly shouted.
“I’m not saying that he literally steals from people. Well he kind of does, but I mean, they just give it to him. But, I’m telling you, he said that the only place to find redemption was in that very church and that everyone outside was wrong.â€Â Jack took a deep breath as Jessie looked at him in terror. “Listen to him. Really listen, Jessie.â€
“So what’s your gripe with God?†Jessie asked.
“That if he’s real and he is God, why does he allow this idiocy to continue?â€
Jessie sat quiet for a moment.
“I believe in being a good person,†Jack said. “Following the ‘Golden Rule,’ I treat strangers as my brothers. The way I’d want to be treated.â€
“But what about God?†Jessie asked. “You have to show your respect for Him.â€
“We’re in love, Jessie. What better way to show our love for God than by loving each other.â€
Jessie burst into laughter. Jack looked at her confused. He’d been completely serious with his statement and didn’t see what was so funny about it. When Jessie finally calmed down Jack kissed her.
“What do you think about abortions?†Jessie asked later, as they lay in bed.
“I wouldn’t get one,†Jack said. “Would you?â€
“Nooo,†Jessie said. “Abortions are just wrong. Unless there’s some kind of extenuating circumstance.â€
“Like what?†Jack asked.
“Like rape. I don’t think a woman should be forced to have her rapist’s baby, that’s just fucking ridiculous.â€
“Yeah,†Jack said. “That is. Or if it’s life and death.â€
“Yeah,†Jessie said. “Those are pretty much the only exceptions.â€
Jack and Jessie made passionate love. Jessie was on birth control, so they didn’t use condoms. Jack thought if felt like heaven without a condom so he never wore one anymore. They looked into each other’s eyes, each thinking that the other feels and believes the exact same way as the other. Jack felt that he was more than just inside her, he felt like he was part of her.
It had been years since Jack had seen Neil and he waited impatiently for him, pacing his townhouse. Memories, long since misplaced but not forgotten, rushed to the surface of his mind, blotting out all the things he typically had there. For that long wait, Jack felt like a kid again, his whole life ahead of him, standing like a giant Everest to the sky. But, when Jack saw Neil pull the baby from the back seat, it all came back to Jack. He wasn’t a kid anymore. The surface of his mind began to boil with the image of Jessie as she came back into the lobby, shuffling her feet in short, painful steps and holding that spot between her belly button and her crotch, her face in a grimace that she tried to hold back.
“What’s up?†Neil asked, shifting his infant girl from one arm to the other.
It was a girl, Jack had suddenly realized, and he wondered what his own baby would have been. He wondered if it would have been as sweet a baby as the one he was looking at.
“You alright, man?†Neil asked.
“Yeah,†Jack said, shaking off the thoughts.
Jack and Neil sat on the back porch drinking beer and smoking cigarettes while Neil’s daughter slept inside. For the most part Jack was okay, even though he found his thoughts often wandering back to the abortion. He had so many questions, so many feelings, but they were all in vain, so Jack just took another swig of beer. There were thousands of questions and no one to ask. He could ask Jessie, but he knew she wouldn’t know. It would only tear open the wound in her heart as well, if it wasn’t already open like his. After Jack had had enough beer, he began to ask Neil the questions, but Neil didn’t have any answers, he didn’t know what to say.
“Do you still want to make movies?†Neil asked.
“Of course,†said Jack. “I’m working on a screenplay now.â€
“Do you think you’d really be able to do that with a kid?â€
“I don’t know,†Jack said, thinking real hard about it. “Not the way I want I guess.â€
“Now you don’t have to worry about it, man. You don’t have that responsibility. You are free to do whatever you want right now, you just have to do it, man,†Neil said.
“That’s true,†Jack said. “But it’s a horrible thing to admit.â€
“Why is that so horrible?†Neil asked, his eyes completely honest.
“Because,†Jack said, “it was a child and I killed it. It was my child.â€
Everything was blue and silent under the streetlights. Neil looked at the ground, thinking hard and smoking his cigarette. Jack stared off into the parking lot.
“You’re not going to go to hell, man,†Neil finally said.
“I know,†Jack said. “I don’t even know if I believe in hell.â€
“I’m serious,†Neil said. “Don’t put yourself through hell for this shit. Your life is better because of it.â€
“How is my life better?†Jack asked, his voice sharp with pain. “I have done nothing with my life. I live in my brother’s townhouse. I have no job. No money. No girl and no kid. If I were to die tonight it wouldn’t matter. You and my family would be sad, sure, but it wouldn’t really fucking matter. No one’s life would change. If anything I’d be less of a burden to my family.â€
“Fuck that shit, Jack,†Neil said. “You matter to a lot of people, man. If it wasn’t for you I’d have probably killed myself by now. Seriously. When I have problems I come to you, man, I always have.â€
“I’m no one to take your problems to,†Jack said. “I need a beer.â€Â He shook the empty can, a few last drops could be heard swishing around inside.
The bright light of the kitchen hurt Jack’s eyes at first, and the coolness of the fridge against his sunburn sent chills through his entire body.
“I told her it was okay,†Jack said, popping the top on his beer. “I told her I was okay with it even though I wasn’t and that bothers me.â€
“But that’s what she wanted right?†Neil said. “It was her idea.â€
“It was.â€Â Jack took a deep breath. “She told me before we even went into the bathroom to take the test. And all I said was, ‘If that’s what you want then I’m behind you.’â€
“That’s what you’re supposed to do,†Neil said. “It’s the woman’s choice. It’s the law, man.â€
“It’s not just her choice though,†Jack said, his voice sharp again. “It takes two people to make a child. That fetus inside her belly was not her. It had its own DNA and all that shit. It was a separate person inside her. A combination of me and her. A result of our love. A symbol that will never see the light of day and all those feelings, world changing feelings, will never actually serve any significance to the world. That was supposed to be the thing that kept us together. We were still supposed to be together.â€
“No, man. She was given a choice to keep you together or to separate and she chose to separate. Deal with it.â€
For a moment both of them were silent as they drank and thought. They didn’t look at each other, they didn’t have to.
“I still fuck her every day just about,†Jack said.
“I thought she was dating some other guy.â€
“She is,†Jack said.
“Does he fuck her every day?†Neil asked.
“No,†Jack said.
“How do you know?â€
“Because she doesn’t see him every day.â€
“Ah, I see,†Neil said. “So why doesn’t she just break up with him?â€
“I think it’s all part of being with the ‘in-crowd’ at school, to be honest. He’s in a frat and shit.â€
“That’s kind of fucked up, man,†Neil said. “I hope you’re at least banging something else on the side, too.â€
“Yeah,†Jack said. “I’ve fucked a couple of girls, but I don’t have anyone steady. I can’t. I love Jessie too much.â€
“Dude, let me tell you this,†Neil said, lighting a cigarette. “Your–â€
Jack cut him off with, “What the fuck are you doing, dude? You can’t smoke in here.â€
“Why not, man?â€
“This is my brother’s place, go outside.â€
“Okay,†Neil said. “But dude listen, your situation is not that different from anyone else’s. Stacy had an abortion. Remember her?â€
“Stacy? From high school? The girl you wrapped your car around a tree for?â€
“That’d be the one. It’s no big deal, man. I mean it is, but it isn’t. You can’t beat yourself up about it. Be glad you don’t have a kid, man, trust me.â€
For a moment Jack saw a glimpse of release. Maybe it had been the right choice after all. From in the dark end of the living room came the sounds of a baby crying out ferociously.
The restaurant was slow that night. The old man was sitting at his favorite table, but that wasn’t Jack’s section that night so he politely said, “Hello,†and continued on his way.
“Jack,†the man said, as Jack passed. Jack spun around to face him with a smile and without missing a beat. “You look even worse this time than you did when you and Jessie broke up.â€
“I’m fine, sir,†Jack said, still smiling.
“Son,†the man said, “you look like your soul’s in jeopardy.â€
“Really?†Jack asked.
“Is it?†the man asked.
Jack sat down and told the old man about the abortion. The man sat and pondered for a moment. Then told Jack about the abortion that his daughter had had, much for the same reason as Jessie. The man’s daughter remained nameless like her father, but she was very similar to Jessie, and if it hadn’t been for Jack’s already knowing Jessie’s father he would have thought him her father. She was in college and in love with a boy, she wasn’t sure about that love and her parents were very strict about abstinence, and at the very least being intelligent enough to use protection. Little did she know that her parents would have rather known about the child and been able to help raise it.
“But it’s past now. Nothing can be done about it. I don’t think it puts your soul in jeopardy,†the man said. “So you don’t have to worry so much.â€
“Why doesn’t it though,†Jack said. “I mean that’s what we’re taught, but if I told my mother what happened, she’d say the same, even though she’d damn anyone other than her son who does it.â€
“Well son, that’s called being a hypocrite but that comes with being part of a religion.â€Â The man coughed a laugh. “Actually, I think that comes with part of being human. No offense to your mother, but we all do it,â€
“Yeah,†Jack said, “we do.â€
“Things aren’t that black and white,†the old man said. Jack noticed that the old man’s face was more red than typical, a flushed red. His beer was empty. It was one in the afternoon. “Things happen,†the man said. “It doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt,†he reached for the glass and found it empty. “But you move on.â€
“Does the pain ever go away?†Jack asked.
“The pain you’re having?  Sure will. You’ll have worse pain. How old are you?â€
Jack told him and the man smiled. “I suggest you try to let it go best you can, son. Dwelling on it will only make it worse. Hang out with some friends or something. Fuck a girl. The girl waiting on me’s pretty cute.â€
“She has a boyfriend,†Jack said. “My friend Neil’s coming over tonight though. I’ll be alright.â€
“Good,†the old man said. “That’s what I like to hear.â€
When it was Jessie’s time she looked at Jack like she was just going off to her death. It was possible. People did die from abortions, but it was rare and Jack knew that. He knew it well. Still, he felt like she was going off to her death. The moment the white door closed behind her he began to worry and wonder what it was they were doing. He sat and worried, his legs shaking furiously. After a while he resolved to smoke a cigarette, despite the protesters. On his way out the receptionist looked up at him and smiled, her chubby cheeks shining in the lamplight.
“Can I help you?†she asked.
“No I’m just going out for a smoke.â€Â His hand was on the door.
“Are you sure you want to do that, sir?†the lady behind the desk asked. “You go on your own risk. I don’t know what those protesters might do.â€
“They’re Christians, right?†Jack said.
“They’re people, and when people get upset they do stupid things. You go, you go at your own risk.â€
When he stepped outside the protestors all perked up like lions about to attack, but when they saw that he was just standing there, they didn’t know what to do. They didn’t know what to make of this man who stood smoking a cigarette between them and the clinic fearlessly. Their expressions turned from the ferocious roaring of the lion to the confused and cocked heads of a group of puppies. Jack felt a sense of pride wash over him in a baptizing shower as he finished his cigarette. A protestor even returned Jack’s nod as he went back inside the clinic. While he smoked and watched the protestors he thought about what he had to ask Jessie after they left. He knew what she was going to say, but he wondered if maybe she might say something different, something that might change his mind.
“So,†he would say, “was it even my baby? Or was it his?â€
“I don’t know,†she would say.
Jack’s blood boiled, he hoped she’d say something different, anything different. He knew it then, at that moment, it would be the beginning of the end.
Not long after that, Jessie came through the door holding herself, her face grimacing from the pain. He put his hand on her back to let her know he was there for her. When she looked at him, he knew she loved him, despite all the bullshit they’d put each other through. Jack hoped that maybe something had happened while he was smoking his cigarette, that something would keep the protestors from being so harsh with Jessie. The protestors attacked with full force when they opened the door. They walked fast down the sidewalk. Jessie kept her head down. Jack watched her the entire walk. Neither of them looked at the protestors, nor heard their words.
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With a bachelors in English, Robert S Dawson is currently working diligently on a novel and saving up for an MFA. His first publication, Hyde, was published by ZombieCoffeePress.com.